In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
No subtext here. People are naked.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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