I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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