do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
