i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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