I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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