Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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