Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
