No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
