well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
