My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
