I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
