please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize