dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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