sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
