Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
