Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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