i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he thought i was a dude.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
