He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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