thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
a search helicopter?!
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
