I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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