I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
