My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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