Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
