tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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