Someone shit on the floor
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
