My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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