Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
