so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
