i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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