im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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