Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
