I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
