I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize