Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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