When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
