Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
