Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
