why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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