I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
