she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
