so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
