Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
