i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
