new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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