i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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