I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize