i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
