I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
