nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
