Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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