I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
