the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
