I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
