Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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