I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
