I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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