im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
