I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
